By Alphonso Gaita, LCSW

When couples walk into my office and sit across from me, their issues rarely start with the “big stuff.” It’s the missed signals, the moments someone didn’t feel heard, the silence that grew wider over time. It’s not that love vanished, it’s that the channels got clogged.

Communication is how love breathes.

I don’t say that to be poetic, I say it because I’ve seen it, again and again. When we struggle to talk, we struggle to connect. And when we reconnect through words, tone, body language, and patience, incredible things happen.

Why communication matters more than compatibility

People often think good communication means agreeing. It doesn’t. It means you can talk through disagreements without tearing each other down. It means you can say “I feel unseen” without making your partner feel unworthy.

Research backs this up. Couples who communicate clearly and listen responsively show higher levels of intimacy and satisfaction, even when they have very different personalities (Laurenceau, Barrett, & Pietromonaco, 1998; Reis & Shaver, 1988).

Communication lets us feel safe, validated, and loved. That’s the magic.

What healthy communication looks like day to day

• Clarity wrapped in care: "I need some quiet tonight" lands differently than "You never stop talking." One invites understanding. The other shuts the door (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

• Listening that actually lands: Nodding isn't enough. Reflecting, validating, and asking follow-ups shows you're tuned in (Bodie, 2011).

• Responding with presence: When your partner shares vulnerability, your response shapes the outcome. “I’m here. That makes sense.” is healing.

• Talking about emotions, not just logistics: We plan dinner, kids, bills. But what about fear, hope, loneliness? Emotional language creates depth (Johnson, 2008).

When things go wrong: Four traps to watch for

John Gottman called them the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If those start showing up, it’s time to pause and rewire.

• Swap criticism with requests.

• Drown contempt in gratitude.

• Trade defensiveness for ownership.

• Turn stonewalling into time-limited breaks and repair (Gottman & Levenson, 1992).

No one gets it perfect. But small daily shifts in how we speak and listen can be transformational.

Tips I give clients all the time

• 10-minute check-in nightly: share one win, one stressor, and one appreciation.

• Use “I feel ___ because ___ and I need ___.”

• Mirror before solving: “What I hear is…”

• Schedule tough talks during low-stress windows.

• Limit to one issue at a time.

• Repair attempts matter: humor, soft touches, or saying “Can we start over?”

Attachment and communication

Your attachment style influences how you seek or avoid connection. Anxious partners often need reassurance. Avoidant partners need respect for boundaries. Neither is “wrong”, they just need mutual understanding and pacing (Bowlby, 1988; Hazan & Shaver, 1987).

Conflict isn’t failure—it’s an invitation

I tell couples: the goal isn’t no conflict. It’s conflict handled with safety. Try this frame:

• “We’re on the same team. Let’s solve this together.”

• Name the pattern: “We get stuck when I press and you retreat.”

• Use a pause word. Come back within the hour.

• Recognize some conflicts are ongoing—and the goal isn’t to win, it’s to listen.

Closing thoughts from the therapy room

If you’ve been feeling disconnected from someone you care about, don’t wait for perfect words. Try a gentle reach: “Can we talk later today? I just want us to feel closer.”

Talking is how we reach each other. And when we do it with curiosity, kindness, and courage, we build something resilient.

Relationships don’t run on silence. They thrive on shared meaning, repeated care, and daily choices to connect.

References

• Bodie, G. D. (2011). The Active-Empathic Listening Scale (AELS): Conceptualization and evidence of validity. Communication Quarterly, 59(3), 277–295. https://doi.org/10.1080/01463373.2011.583495

• Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.

• Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233.

• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown.

• Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. R. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524.

• Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown.

• Laurenceau, J.-P., Barrett, L. F., & Pietromonaco, P. R. (1998). Intimacy as an interpersonal process: The importance of self-disclosure, partner disclosure, and perceived partner responsiveness. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(5), 1238–1251.

• Levenson, R. W., & Gottman, J. M. (1983). Marital interaction: Physiological linkage and affective exchange. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 45(3), 587–597.

• Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage (3rd ed.). Jossey-Bass.

• Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of personal relationships (pp. 367–389). Wiley.